babble

I really, really do not know what is going on with me lately. Part of my brain seems to have stopped working. Things I thought I wanted just seem so difficult. Even basic necessities are proving hard to even focus upon.

The other day someone asked about hobbies. When I stopped to think about it, I replied that I had given just about given them all up except over eating. And that one I was trying to give up as well.

I know I have been thinking about my dad a lot of late. I spent so much time between the hospital and work before he died that my basic daily activities landed on the Hand Basket Expressway. I have not been able to truly get myself back since July last year. I am sleeping more and I usually do, yet I feel more exhausted. About the only good tidbit is I do not touch the prescription sleeping medications anymore. Part of me wonders though if things have dropped so hard on me of late is due to the drastic dietary changes I have been going through. I should be taking a set of over-the-counter nutritional supplements to ensure my body is getting the nutrients for basic function. I have been very lax on taking them every day. Some weeks, I’ve only taken the equivalent 2 or 3 days.  Some weeks I do not even take them that much.

Then my cat, Puss N Boots, has been having a lot of health issues since the end of March. Well, before that to be honest; though I have been more aware of them since March 28^th when I found her with a spongey, bloody back leg. Now she’s been diagnosed as having diabetes; which requires specialty foods and needles twice a day. The specialty food alone was not enough. Then we tried 1 unit of insulin twice a day); that stopped the massive weight loss. She actually gained 0.07kg between May 23 and May 31. She is close to her ideal weight of 4.54kg; currently she weighs 4.67kg.

I have set a date to get back into my health goals; maybe I should include more than just food & exercise. I need healthy brain & home too. Sometimes it just seems so much to do, so much is wrong, so much is just too much to try. A lot of the time I wish I did not have a broken brain; which is how I feel most of the time.

Part of me just wants to go through my place and just junk & toss out all the extras; to start fresh with a clean slate. Light a match to the whole thing and run away. I have no desire to go back to being a kid; as you hear a lot of people say. I do not want to adult anymore. I would rather be an adult than have people make decisions for me. Yes, I make a lot of bad decisions. A lot of wrong decisions; I even know when I start out this is likely a mistake. Sometimes though I wonder would it be more of a mistake to not try. Though I rarely think that about the stuff that is best for me; usually the stuff that gets me into trouble or harms me in the long run.

So menu planning is a choice, though I will need to leave it fairly flexible. Maybe pick a daily protein and I work around that with what I have in the kitchen and my mood.

I have my Fitbit for activity level, though I want to add some “jogging” and sit-ups if nothing else along with walking & getting in my 8k steps a day. Maybe I should go back to meditation as well? Centreing is supposedly very beneficial.

What to choose for a hobby though? What to choose?

Home life I will have to setup getting stuff done each day. Do this on Mondays, that on Tuesdays, etc. Having small chores assigned during the week will be a time saver for when I hit the major stuff on the weekend. Plus this way things will not seem to overwhelming

Lastly, I need to put some controls on my paid work routine; which will be hard as I know I will have to make some hard decisions in that regard.