I
really, really do not know what is going on with me lately. Part of my brain
seems to have stopped working. Things I thought I wanted just seem so
difficult. Even basic necessities are proving hard to even focus upon.
The
other day someone asked about hobbies. When I stopped to think about it, I
replied that I had given just about given them all up except over eating. And
that one I was trying to give up as well.
I
know I have been thinking about my dad a lot of late. I spent so much time
between the hospital and work before he died that my basic daily activities
landed on the Hand Basket Expressway. I have not been able to truly get myself
back since July last year. I am sleeping more and I usually do, yet I feel more
exhausted. About the only good tidbit is I do not touch the prescription
sleeping medications anymore. Part of me wonders though if things have dropped
so hard on me of late is due to the drastic dietary changes I have been going
through. I should be taking a set of over-the-counter nutritional supplements
to ensure my body is getting the nutrients for basic function. I have been very
lax on taking them every day. Some weeks, I’ve only taken the equivalent 2 or 3
days. Some weeks I do not even take them
that much.
Then
my cat, Puss N Boots, has been having a lot of health issues since the end of
March. Well, before that to be honest; though I have been more aware of them
since March 28th when I found her with a spongey, bloody back leg.
Now she’s been diagnosed as having diabetes; which requires specialty foods and
needles twice a day. The specialty food alone was not enough. Then we tried 1
unit of insulin twice a day); that stopped the massive weight loss. She
actually gained 0.07kg between May 23 and May 31. She is close to her ideal
weight of 4.54kg; currently she weighs 4.67kg.
I
have set a date to get back into my health goals; maybe I should include more
than just food & exercise. I need healthy brain & home too. Sometimes
it just seems so much to do, so much is wrong, so much is just too much to try.
A lot of the time I wish I did not have a broken brain; which is how I feel
most of the time.
Part
of me just wants to go through my place and just junk & toss out all the
extras; to start fresh with a clean slate. Light a match to the whole thing and
run away. I have no desire to go back to being a kid; as you hear a lot of
people say. I do not want to adult anymore. I would rather be an adult than
have people make decisions for me. Yes, I make a lot of bad decisions. A lot of
wrong decisions; I even know when I start out this is likely a mistake. Sometimes
though I wonder would it be more of a mistake to not try. Though I rarely think
that about the stuff that is best for me; usually the stuff that gets me into
trouble or harms me in the long run.
So
menu planning is a choice, though I will need to leave it fairly flexible.
Maybe pick a daily protein and I work around that with what I have in the
kitchen and my mood.
I
have my Fitbit for activity level, though I want to add some “jogging” and sit-ups
if nothing else along with walking & getting in my 8k steps a day. Maybe I
should go back to meditation as well? Centreing is supposedly very beneficial.
What
to choose for a hobby though? What to choose?
Home
life I will have to setup getting stuff done each day. Do this on Mondays, that
on Tuesdays, etc. Having small chores assigned during the week will be a time
saver for when I hit the major stuff on the weekend. Plus this way things will
not seem to overwhelming
Lastly,
I need to put some controls on my paid work routine; which will be hard as I
know I will have to make some hard decisions in that regard.
